The Top Whatever: The highest level of fandom
The Top Whatever is a weekly ranking of only the college football things that must be ranked at this time.
Hello. Not a whole lot happened in college football this weekend, so we’re ranking other stuff as well. If the AP Poll can rank 0-0 Kentucky ahead of 2-0 UTSA, then the Top Whatever has even more license than ever before to just do as it pleases.
For today’s business plug, maybe follow our Twitter account, if you like. It doesn’t do a whole lot, by design.
1. When you accept laughter is every bit as rewarding as victory, by Jason
Look at this:
It’s a perfect comedy GIF. I added no effects, text, or art of any kind. Just pure stenographic journalism.
I simply saw a football play happen, laughed to the utmost of my ability, opened my GIF app, and created something that is still funny all these hours later.
Sure, I would’ve seen this play — a Pop Warner blunder that essentially decided a professional game — shortly thereafter, regardless of whether I had been watching the Atlanta Falcons in real time or not. But if I had not been watching the Atlanta Falcons at the time of this play — the latest thing for which Dan Quinn should be dropped into a well — then this would’ve robbed me of several seconds spent laughing at this play. And I wouldn’t have been watching the Atlanta Falcons at the time of this play — which is yet another cause for relocating the franchise to Jupiter — if I had not already been a lifelong fan of the Atlanta Falcons.
Do you see? The road remains long, but unprecedented failures are my rest stops along the way. Ah, good, another one. It had been so many hours since the last.
Team fandom is never going to pay off for me in any other way. I’m here to see funny things I’ve never seen before. Fortunately, when it comes to meeting this need, I have selected the correct team.
Oh, and this is in that GIF of a team’s front line just standing and watching, rather than placing one finger on the ball and sealing a victory:
2. Miami, by Richard
The new turnover chain is a cartographically accurate Florida*, with the “state of Miami” in orange and green. It is so dope.
*Real Florida heads would note Leon County (Tallahassee) is obscured, while Alachua (Gainesville) is not. But we would also note the “state of Miami” is spiritually anything on the Atlantic coast south of I-4.
On the field, the Canes flambeed Louisville, 47-34. It wasn’t that close. The performance prompted a good, ol’ fashioned night of “IS THE U BACK?” up and down Twitter.
By my estimation, the U is not currently back. Louisville just was not ready on either side of the ball. On offense, they spent most of the first half getting physically whipped by a defensive line that didn’t even have its best player, the opted-out Gregory Rousseau. Louisville’s bread and butter, a dizzying array of motion and shifts, just was not working. Miami’s defense was not confused by the eye candy at all. That’s a credit to Manny Diaz’s coaching.
Louisville QB Malik Cunningham didn’t look comfortable until the third quarter, and his numbers on rollout throws were particularly noteworthy, because that’s something he’s usually good at.
By the time Louisville’s offense sorta got things together, their defense completely fell apart.
I am not a football coach, so if my dumb ass can point this out, Louisville has some big problems to fix:
Miami OC Rhett Lashlee and company knew they could get Louisville on that part of the field. This is similar to Lashlee’s SMU offense, and it did not have to do much beyond the chunk plays. Louisville’s defense was structurally broken.
I don’t know if Miami’s great yet, but they are certainly good. And I don’t know if we’ll have a much better idea once they (probably) beat a Florida State that is its own hot mess and won’t even have its head coach on the sideline next Saturday night.
But after a bye week, we’re gonna learn in a hurry. Clemson looms on October 10.
3. Death of Stalin, by Spencer
This movie is about the death of a genocidal madman in a horrible authoritarian state. It is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, and that probably says something sad about me, the world, or both.
It’s so hard to explain, but let me try: Imagine Veep, but with Stalin? As in literally Veep, because it’s directed and co-written by Armando Iannucci, the guy behind Veep and the even darker British political comedy series The Thick of It. And as in literally Stalin, who starts off these proceedings by reading a note telling him he’s ruined Russia, then laughing hysterically before collapsing in a pool of his own urine?
Does it help to mention that Steve Buscemi, playing Khrushchev in a business coat worn over pajamas, steps in that puddle of urine multiple times? Or that he’s speaking in his normal New York accent, just like almost everyone else in the movie? Buscemi plays Khrushchev as a hustling used car salesman, and it works like crazy, because his opponents are all legitimate psychopaths.
Does it help that the head of the NKVD is shown going through arrest lists like they’re grocery lists, handing out instructions like “shoot him first so she sees it” like he’s dictating sandwich orders? Or that in the Lubyanka prison, there’s a background guy being rolled down the stairs like obsolete furniture?
Does it help that Jason Isaacs — aka Lucius Malfoy, a gifted portrayer of blowhards and sneering villains — plays war hero Georgy Zhukov, and is held back like the Hulk in the Avengers until the movie needs him to gleefully dominate? Look at the immortal cape pop here. Dazzle at the medals dancing.
All Zhukov does is slap balls, threaten people while smiling, and brag about things he actually did while doing more outlandish things he will later also brag about doing. At one point he says, “I’m off to represent the entire Red Army at the buffet.” If I ever see Isaacs in person, I will give him a hundred dollars from my pocket. If he’s anything like Zhukov, he will then light it on fire and throw it in my face while calling me broke. I will only love him more for it.
Death of Stalin is the funniest movie about pure incompetent unstoppable evil I have ever seen. It’s on Netflix. It’s about horrible things and a few of the worst people ever born and I laughed the entire time. Watch it.
4. SMU, by Alex
Ranked highly for reaching the Xbox achievement “Give Up Six Yards Per Play But Still Beat Your Opponent By 30 Points.” The Mustangs do not terribly preoccupy themselves with “defense,” whether the opponent is an investigatory body or a plucky Conference USA opponent working in a new quarterback. But that’s OK! They beat neighbor North Texas 65-35 and left this wake of utter carnage:
Ringing up 33 first downs and eight touchdowns on 84 plays. But two of those plays were basically kneeling out the clock. So you could state quite fairly that a full 50% of SMU’s offensive snaps went for first downs or touchdowns.
Netting 710 yards, an average of 8.4 per play.
Possessing the ball for more than 34 minutes, despite having just four drives longer than three minutes and the longest drive lasting 10 plays.
I was a little skeptical about SMU as an AAC West contender. Stud receiver James Proche isn’t here any more. But I should’ve focused on how Reggie Roberson and Rashee Gray are still here, and they’re one of the nation’s better WR duos. They looked iffy two weeks ago against Texas State, but they would’ve won that game by 14 if not for a goal-line fumble. What I’m saying is: I should not have questioned you, Mustangs.
5. This king, by Spencer
There is no reason in the year 2020 to delay in your processing of an embarrassing loss. There is also no argument against relaxing in the second half, firing up a beloved B-grade comedy film on a streaming device, and watching the tide of defeat wash over your team while you get a few reliable laughs in.
But what about supporting the team? Hush. They’d probably rather be watching Three Amigos on their iPads, too. Follow Kris’ lead out of the valley of the shadow of a horrible conference loss, and do it before the game is even over.
6. Winged Foot, by Alex
There are two schools of thought around how the United States Golf Association should set up courses for the U.S. Open. One is that the USGA should make tough but manageable tests for the world’s best players, rewarding great play with birdies. That is a school of thought for unserious people.
Low numbers clutter the scorecard. The correct line of thinking is that the USGA should make players bleed. Thankfully, this is the path the USGA chose this weekend at Winged Food. The fairways were skinny enough that almost nobody could hit them even half the time, the rough was high enough that hitting out of it resembled chopping weeds with a machete, and the greens were fast enough that putting on them was like trying to navigate a more lucrative version of Holey Moley.
Witness Danny Lee putting six times to get the ball into this hole, something even casual weekend hackers might go a lifetime without doing:
Also on Saturday, an annoying competitor from Georgia went from the favorite to win the national championship to out of contention. So the U.S. Open is college football.
7. Georgia Tech, by Spencer
They are not good. I can’t have you thinking that. Georgia Tech is still very far from being a good team. At times, they even relapse into being a pretty bad one. Against UCF, they imploded, allowing the Knights to hang 21 points in the final chapter of a 49-21 loss. The Yellow Jackets turned the ball over five times. UCF quarterback Dylan Gabriel threw for a career high 417 yards and four TDs on the Jackets’ home field. This dude happened:
But consider the positives.
Despite that much exposed thigh on national television, this man’s shorts were long enough to cover his testicles.
Good teams don’t give up blackjack in a quarter, but prior to that implosion at the tables, Tech sat near-even with a Knights squad that has been one of the most successful teams over the past four years or so. They even put a legit fright into UCF, Tech ripping back from being down 28-7 at the half.
Tech did all of this in year two of a long rebuilding project in transforming from a triple-option team with tiny linemen. They even did it without running back Jordan Mason and five other players who missed the game for undisclosed reasons, and with freshman QB Jeff Sims learning the college game in real time before a live audience. They’ve graduated from hapless lab project, and in year two, are now the guy with a mean jab and no ability to block shots to his face ... yet.
This is one of my favorite things to watch in any year: A half-finished squad with a bit of ability to scare people. All this is true despite the Jackets having to throw a pass to a converted long-snapper on Saturday thanks to, well, being in football rehab and 2020 in general.
They have about two and a half quarters of football in them right now, meaning they are at least good enough to beat Florida State. That is a low bar, but after a three-win 2019, Tech will happily take it. Next week they might have three quarters in them, or plunge back down to one, depending on things. If that’s not insanely relatable, you’re not living in the same year as the rest of us.
P.S. Tech freshman Sims missed two open receivers in the red zone, instead choosing to smash headfirst into a defender for a two-yard gain to end a drive in the third quarter. This kind of pointless heroism is learning-under-fire at its finest, and once again, some insanely relatable content.
8. The Citadel, by Jason
Speaking of pointless heroism:
Down 49-0 to No. 1 Clemson at the half on Saturday, The Citadel football coach Brent Thompson was approached with a proposition. Clemson coach Dabo Swinney was willing to either shorten the quarters in the second half or implement a running clock to speed the thoroughly lopsided game along.
Thompson, however, declined Swinney’s offer. […]
‘That’s not what we came here to do, that’s not what The Citadel’s about, that’s not what we’re about. I’m not gonna cave into that at all. I understand that that’s something that they can certainly offer to me, but it doesn’t matter to me. If I’m gonna get beat, I’m gonna get beat. It doesn’t matter to me.’
On a day in which Navy, the CAJUNS, and humble lil Oklahoma State came back to win despite adversity, it was The Citadel that chose to really wallow around in the stuff. Let us note it was not Coach Thompsen himself who got to enjoy bodily lining up across from the Clemson Adversity for a full three hours and change.
9. Hockey, by Richard
Hockey is bullshit. There are so few other sports where your entire team can be better than the opponent besides one guy, and therefore you lose. The Dallas Stars goalie, Anton Khudobin, (a career backup), is the only thing that realistically stands between my Tampa Bay Lightning and a second Stanley Cup. He has played out of his mind all playoffs, and did so again in Game 1. The wrinkle is that Khudobin replaced Ben Bishop, whom my Lightning traded to the Stars a couple years ago.
The Lightning weren’t awesome in the first two periods, but turned it on in the third, ripping off 43 shot attempts to Dallas’ three. They didn’t score once. Game 2 is Monday night.
Hooray, sports!
Thanks for writing about my favorite slice of chaos, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. The "guy who can't block his face...yet" description is my new favorite way to talk about the Wreck.
The Top Whatever is always just what I needed. Hooray and thx!