THE TOP WHATEVER: Jim Harbaugh ranks last, last, and last
The Top Whatever ranks only the college football things that must be ranked.
First, a fun piece of holiday news (ignore the accidental @FeedingAmerica tag lol, unless you would like to follow them, since they are also a good cause):
1. THE TESSCEPTION, by Spencer
Joe Tessitore called Boston College-Clemson, a game surprisingly filled with heady upset potential until Clemson got backup QB D.J. Uiagalelei moving. He ended up passing for 342 yards, scoring a blazing TD off a zone read, and looking like Cam Newton. He plays behind Trevor Lawrence, and they can just roll him out when Lawrence tests positive for COVID. Clemson is completely unfair in many ways, including this is one.
While the upset was still cooking in the first half, though, Tessitore called a potential fake field goal that had Clemson confused enough to jump offside and give BC a first down. It’s a neat play: The holder runs up under center, then barks out a hard count, drawing the already amped field goal coverage unit miles offside.
The holder who turned into the surprise quarterback was Joe Tessitore’s son John, a kicker, punter, and holder. Tessitore, to his credit, did not appear to be any more enthused at a shocking turn of events than usual (a constantly high level of enthused, which helps here).
He had to want to leap through the roof of the booth, though. I hope after the commercial break he did.
(Read our interview here with Joe Tess on Holey Moley, the world’s greatest television show.)
2. Expand the 2020 Playoff, by Alex
The time is ripe for three reasons:
It would make it easier to include teams that are good enough to win the national championship but might have a fluke loss because someone missed a game with COVID, as nearly happened to Clemson and will happen to someone soon.
This year seems poised to have at least two non-powers with compelling cases. If BYU is undefeated, the Cougars will be one. If BYU is not undefeated, that might be because Boise State beat them and made its own case. Cincinnati crushed Memphis on Saturday and has a top-five defense. Coastal Carolina might even make its own argument. Wouldn’t it be fun?
It’s a pandemic, and higher education budgets all around the country are under siege. More television inventory means more money for the Power 5 leagues to hoard for themselves.
It makes great sense and will not happen.
3. Non-incompetent Rutgers, by Richard
I don’t care that this play was wiped away by a penalty, or that Rutgers was gonna lose anyway. The last two weeks have showed Rutgers is competent. For a program that has been in the depths of the sport, that is incredibly noteworthy.
And it takes not just competence, but also gamebreaking-ness, to pull this puppy off.
This play starts out regularly (or as regularly as a hook-and-lateral fourth-and-32 attempt while down 16 points can possibly go). There’s a player ready to receive the lateral from Shameen Jones (15), and two ready to pave the way:
There’s a second lateral as well. We’re getting slightly off the rails, but more or less still ok. Then the big guy gets the ball, and the whole thing goes to hell.
When offensive linemen touch the ball, some immediately go to the ground (obviously not an option here), others take off with the ball whether they’re touching it illegally or not, and others go Deer In The Headlights. But my favorite category is when the lineman blacks out and does something awesome. This is that:
This is competence on display. Look at all the Rutgers players who are tracking back to keep this thing going. The big man yells jackpot and just throws it the hell up … to none other than Jones, who proceeds to house the damn thing.
4. Coastal Carolina, by Alex
The Chanticleers pureed Georgia State in Atlanta, 51-0, and moved to 6-0. They now have to be considered Sun Belt favorites alongside Appalachian State, and just as importantly, they’ve basically locked down the greatest season in their young history as an FBS program.
QB Grayson McCall came back after missing a game and had 254 yards, four touchdowns, and no picks. The Chants had nine guys catch between one and five passes and had nine ball-carriers run between one and 10 times for a combined 250 yards and three touchdowns on 47 carries. They out-gained GSU 530 yards to 106 and held the ball for 41 minutes.
We talked on Split Zone Duo last week about how the rise of CCU and GSU might alter Group of 5 football in the South for a while. Saturday demonstrated one is rising a lot faster than the other. Coastal can now recruit athletes on the basis that a) they could basically go to school at Myrtle Beach and b) play for an excellent program.
5. THE FIEND Troy Trojans, by Jason
Troy had been on a 2-2 run, including a homecoming loss to Georgia State, blowout loss to BYU, and narrow win over FCS Eastern Kentucky. Not terrible, but definitely in need of a boost and clarified storyline.
And then former Trojans lineman Windham Rotunda …
… better known to most as pro rassler “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt …
… stepped in. This character, explained briefly, is an evil clown who, uh, forces all his opponents to confront their worst selves, sometimes resulting in his Bad Guy opponents turning back into Good Guys or vice versa, if Vince McMahon happens to be in the mood for character stuff to matter. The idea is reinvention through destruction, or something like that, at least when it’s applied consistently, which is a luxury in pro rasslin’.
So after Wyatt recorded a Halloween-y hype video for the Trojans ahead of their game at Arkansas State, Troy accomplished both destruction and reinvention, winning 38-10 in their best performance of the year.
They will now face Georgia Southern as one of Wyatt’s various other alter egos, presumably heading to Beautiful Eagle Creek in the filthy guise of Swamp Cult Leader Wyatt.
6. Mizzou-Florida brawl, Richard
A lot of times, we make a big deal about scuffles on the football field. Many of them are shovefests and don’t graduate to anything more.
But Missouri-Florida? That was a fight-ass fight. The inflection point was a late hit to Florida QB Kyle Trask on an untimed down. Apparently some linemen got to fracas-ing, and it escalated as both teams headed to the locker room (both tunnels are in the same end zone at Florida’s stadium, with one in the corner and the other in the middle).
There were ejections, and there will be suspensions. But to those who will sit out time, you cannot say they didn’t get their money’s worth.
Word to the wise: Don’t punch a dude in a helmet.
7. Field goal distractions, by Richard
You will recall Minnesota trying to throw off field goal kickers by deploying the Dramatic Chipmunk behind the goal posts:
Well, Oklahoma State took that up a notch against Texas with lines that look like … goal posts.
There’s an NFL rule against these types of distractions, and there’ll probably be some sort of Big 12 reprimand coming the Pokes way. But the kick still went in, and there’s a simple reason why: Texas’ Cameron Dicker probably didn’t see the board.
For our newsletter on college kickers, I talked to a special teams coach (Eastern Kentucky’s Derek Day) about a wide range of things. He actually explained the tunnel vision kickers should have, when they’re approaching the ball.
“The kicker never sees the ball snap,” Day said. “When the holder’s hand moves, that’s when they start their approach, and that’s when they kick the ball. The kicker doesn’t watch the ball get snapped or get caught and placed and then kick it. He watches the holder’s hand. The holder holds his hand up to the center, and when that left hand comes up to catch the ball, that’s when the kicker will approach. He takes three steps, and the third step is his plant step.”
8. LSU is paying Bo Pelini $2.3 million per year on a three-year contract, by Alex
Per that lofty sum, Pelini is one of the best assistants in the country. Per the eyeballs of anyone who has watched LSU this year, or looked at virtually any stat collection, Pelini is extremely far from being one of the best assistants in the country.
There’s a lot of ways to illustrate how bad LSU’s defense has been. About every week, Pelini’s defense provides a screen grab like this one …
… or this one, from Saturday’s 48-11 debacle at Auburn:
One could also point to LSU giving up 44 points and an SEC-record 623 passing yards to an absurdly bad Mississippi State. That made LSU the subject of a “how not to defend the air raid” video that’s since become available for every other team in the SEC. Against non-LSU opponents, Mississippi State is averaging 7.5 points per game.
LSU’s defense is bad enough that Ed Orgeron is now engaged in a full-on post-championship Chiziking. A strength of Orgeron’s has been his ability to identify problem areas and move decisively to fix them. A few years ago, that meant cutting ties with expensive new OC Matt Canada and bringing in a regime that plotted out the best offense the sport had ever seen. This time, it will mean cutting ties with Pelini. Whether that happens now or in two months, Orgeron probably knows it has to happen. Good thing LSU isn’t having any budget issues that might make Pelini’s buyout a problem.
9. Ant-Man Tom Herman expands once again, by Jason
Herman, the coach whose teams tend to shrink against weak opponents and SURGE TO FULL POWER against good ones, did his usual thing. Though the final box score suggests previously undefeated Oklahoma State surely crushed Herman’s humble Longhorns, the upstart Cows managed to recover all five of the game’s fumbles, return a bobbled kickoff for a touchdown, and cobble together so much other chicanery, they rose to the occasion once more.
Up next, the newly re-ranked Horns are touchdown favorites against West Virginia, heralding a slightly less Goliath-sized performance by Texas.
10. Jim Harbaugh is the opposite of Ant-Man Tom Herman, by Jason
BIG HARBAUGH: Since Harbaugh arrived, Michigan is #10 among Power 5 teams in win percentage and #8 among the Power 5 in point differential. He’s produced four of Michigan’s five best finishes since 2006, including two top-10 teams (per the computers). Solid all around.
As a Vegas favorite, Harbaugh’s Michigan has a robust 48-9 record, quite reliably squashing the opponents he is supposed to squash. Steady and stoic.
LITTLE HARBAUGH: Here’s the part that amazed me! Since Harbaugh arrived in 2015, his program is the only one in all of FBS with zero upset victories. Harbaugh’s Wolverines are 0-10 as underdogs. Even Bama has an upset win in that span, and Bama’s only been an underdog once.
And yeah, Harbaugh’s Michigan is 0-5 against Ohio State, 3-3 against Michigan State (most recently a 27-24 loss as a three-TD favorite), and:
If Herman’s Texas expands or shrinks in order to match the size of the enemy, Harbaugh’s Michigan expands or shrinks in direct contrast to the size of the enemy.
Against Rutgers, Harbaugh is Galactus. Against the Buckeyes, he is:
Up next, Michigan is favored by three points on the road against the higher-ranked Indiana Hoosiers.
11. Harbaugh is now Will Muschamp, by Alex
A month ago, Muschamp gained additional infamy when South Carolina – trailing by two TDs late at Florida – went on an 18-play, 74-yard drive that took more than seven of the final eight minutes and robbed the Gamecocks of any chance to win. That drive involved a handful of short passes and runs to places other than the sideline, the kind of plays only possible if a coaching staff misunderstands both offense and the concept of time.
Enter Harbaugh and Michigan on Saturday. They trailed Michigan State 27-17 when they got the ball with 5:11 to play at their own 7-yard line. The Wolverines then marched 93 yards in 18 plays and 4:34, scoring a touchdown that did not tie the game with 37 seconds left. That drive included completed passes of 13, 4, 5, 6, 4, 5, and 8 yards, plus a designed run for negative-1 yard that killed additional clock. Michigan did not get the ball back.
12. Michigan must hire Mel Tucker, by Spencer
At this point the chief objection most Michigan fans have to Harbaugh’s tenure is this: He is generally good, but loses to the wrong teams.
That’s an understandable problem. In this stage in the relationship, it’s not losing a game or making a mistake that enrages fans. It’s the repetition, like when someone leaves the same dirty sock on the floor 30 times in a row.
It’s not the dirty sock. It’s the consistent presence of the dirty sock, the refusal to clean it up or even see it at all. That’s not just irritation. That’s irritation plus interest, and ooh baby interest is how molehills become mountains.
That’s also how Michigan fans openly start wondering if this is all there is, and what might be nice to have, hypothetically speaking of course, in a new coach. And this is where Michigan might want to go ahead and hire Michigan State head coach Tucker.
Tucker is available. He left Colorado after one year and clearly understands that the next job is indeed the best job, as long as it’s moving up in the world. Even after years of MSU upgrading in the prestige department and winning Big Ten titles more recently than their Big Brother, the overall package at Michigan still outweighs what East Lansing could offer. Sparty might wear green, baby, but will they pay $2 million in life insurance premiums like Michigan did for Harbaugh in 2016? Is offering huge payouts on life insurance policies both sound financial bartering and Michigan Man foreplay? Damn right it is.
Tucker has a better record against Ohio State and Michigan State, and by that we mean he doesn’t have a demonstrated 3-8 record. Might even count getting hired by Michigan State as a win over the Spartans. He’s 1-0 over Michigan State, y’all. DESIRABLE RECORD OVER SCHOOL RIVALS: CHECK.
He once wore shorts on the field at Colorado. If that’s not pure Michigan, particularly in freezing weather, then nothing is.
He’s currently the coach at Michigan State. Taking Ohio State’s coach constitutes an act of treason that is both unlikely and intolerable to the Michigan Man’s soul. Lifting Michigan State’s coach, though? That’s downright hilarious, and could be covered with some lofty recitation of Sun Tzu.
His stuff is already so close to where it needs to be. The moving fees will be minimal, and in this economy, it is important to think about that.
It’s an option. All we know is that when one team figured out the refs were going to call pass interference all day on anything resembling hand-fighting between corners and wide receivers, one team started bombing it. That team was Michigan State, and they won despite losing to Rutgers the week before.
The other team was Michigan, and they might lose to Indiana this week.
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